You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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