I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
