I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
