Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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