Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
