Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
