i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
