Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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