I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
