Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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