I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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