**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
