Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
