A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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