He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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