apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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