just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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