xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
