True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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