We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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