Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
