Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
