Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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