i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
