I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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