My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
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I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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