Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
