glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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