I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
