i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
