I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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