I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
