Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
