Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
