I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
