just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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