it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
