I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
