stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
