Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
