after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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