3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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