I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
