Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
