i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
