if i can run in heels then i can drive
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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