My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
