very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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