he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
