i need an iv and a liver transplant
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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