where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
