Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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