Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
