i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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