I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
