He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your cock deserves a montage
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
