my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
